Friday, 18 January 2013

as wise as a group of owls

In an earlier blog, I briefly mentioned a bizarre story I wrote when I was younger. I've been taking advantage of the snow closure to clear out my cupboards today, and although I can't find the story in question, I've found some interesting and strange things nonetheless. I would thoroughly recommend looking at your old school work, if you still have it- it's hilarious.

First off is this diary, reading 'journal' oddity circa 2006; Elliott Wright age 11, if you will. It's a goldmine. Here are a few excerpts.

"In maths we found out where our food comes from."

"We had a french teacher who taught us french"

"The dance instructer came to teach us more of the ghost dance."

"(TEACHER NAME REMOVED) was very strict this morning- i don't blame her. Some kids didnt use capital letters and full stops!"

"I learned the most in I.C.T- about islam!"

I sound so proud.

"In maths we did a fudge investigation- and in the end we got fudge."

I'm starting to think I got maths confused with food technology.

"Bad news. Yesterday, we had a supply teacher, and nearly everyone was loud, naughty, and disrespectful. (TEACHER NAME REMOVED)s furious. She nearly exploded. I don't blame her. At least I didn't get in trouble. In numeracy we found out how to find out the area of a triangle. You first find the area of a rectangle, and divide it by 2. Easy. (TEACHER NAME) only gave us 10 minutes to do 8 questions. I was the only one who got the questions done. So I diddnt have to stay in at break. I didnt have to stay in anyway even if I didnt complete it, because I was good yesterday"

I'm starting to realise why I didn't have many friends at junior school.

"Good news! We are now allowed to write in pen."

"Yay! This week is anti-bullying week! We have an assembly today, and I get to act in it! I'm a bully who has to boss people around. But then, somebody stands up to me for the victim, and they play and I get angry."

I'm still waiting for that BAFTA.

"Today I have to go home early- I have to see a dermatologist for my skin condition"

Why I felt the urge to write that in a school exercise book I'll never know.

(date unknown)
"I think its right as long as they are kept in an enclosure simalar to their natural habitat, and are given good and areas where they can have some privacy"

I really hope I wasn't talking about ethnic minorities here.

Next, a hand-written letter, approximate date Summer 2007, presumably as a means to introduce myself to the teacher I had for the last term of that year. A lanky Australian, if I remember rightly. If my memory serves me correctly he was a nice fellow, though his insistence of the weekly activity of playing 'Aussie rules football' conflicted distinctly with my sedantry preferences. It's pretty standard 11-year old fare, but contains a startling piece on gender equality; "I believe that boys and girls have equal rights, and a girl and boy can be friends.", and "I don't like bullies because I think they should be stopped". Also interesting to note are my career intentions at the time- "When I'm older I want to be a dog breeder or an actor." I still can't quite get my head around the former. I don't even like dogs that much.

Better (or worse) still, I have uncovered work circa 2000-2002, including my earliest recorded piece of writing, in suspiciously neat handwriting and correct spelling.

"Dear Father Christmas, please can I have an action man."

I still find that a bit odd, considering I was never a child who was into action figures, or action of any variety.

Also, my first recorded poem.

"God is...

As Happy as a canairie
As loving as a pair of guinea pigs,
ash uge as a giant,
as wise as a group of owls,
as fun as two hamsters playing in a box,
as clever as a teacher,
as fast as a very fast ant
as gentle as a kind penguin
as kind as a very nice friend,
as helpful as a helpful hand,
as creative as a monkey,
as shiny as a bright star,
as special as a Christmas tree"

Clearly, this satirical masterpiece predates and serves as a premonition for my later atheism. The abundance of metaphor, frankly incredulous throughout, mocks the notional omniscience of a Christian God, but most of all, it contains the phrase 'as fast as a very fast ant', which probably deserves to be framed.

The religious motifs continue in my earlier work in a Christmas themed illustration (circa 29.11.02), depicting the virgin Mary glaring, quite frighteningly, over the newborn Christ, with the following caption; "Christians believe mary was happy but a little bit worried".

That's pretty much all of it worth mentioning, aside from some particularly demonic illustrations.

What I have learned? Not much more than I already knew. As a child I was very innocent, but also very strange.

As I said earlier, delving into your personal history is always a fascinating procedure, regardless of how painful it may be. 


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